How can that be? How can it be 18 years since I took this tiny little human home?
On her third birthday I wrote the post "Guilt" that later became one of the stories included in Gifts: Mothers Reflect on How Children With Down Syndrome Enrich Their Lives.
As her birthday was approaching I've thought about that post, and her birth day, and how I felt and handled the realization that she was born with Down syndrome. In that post I said that I hoped writing it all down would lead me on a path to healing and forgiveness. All these years later I finally realize that I have nothing to forgive myself for.
Do I wish that I hadn't zeroed in on her face in those first moments of her birth and hadn't seen "DOWN SYNDROME" flashing at me in bright lights? Of course.
Do I wish I was as oblivious about the signs of Down syndrome as my husband was and all I could see was this little human being we had created - our first child, my daughter? Of course.
Do I wish that one of the very first things I said to my mom as I basically thrust Kayla into her arms before she could get a good look at her wasn't "They think she has Down syndrome?" Of course.
Do I wish that I was crying tears of joy and happiness instead of sobbing alone over the sink hoping no one would see me like that? Of course.
But all of that happened naturally and organically and they were the thoughts and feelings I had at that time in those moments - and I don't need to forgive myself for that.
What matters more than those first few moments of shock I had upon seeing her face and feeling an out of body experience is what came after. What followed in the 18 years since has been love. So much love. Like with raising any child, as I've always said, comes joys and challenges and raising Kayla hasn't been any different. There has been so much love, joy, and adventure in our life with Kayla. I had a chance to get to know her - the person, not the diagnosis.
Kayla loves big. Feels big. Laughs big. Lives big. She loves family and the connectedness of the extended family and having aunts/uncles/cousins. When we went to my grandmother's funeral she greeted everyone as if she had known them for years - even if she probably didn't really remember some of them because she was so young the last time she saw them; and even the ones she had never met before. "Kayla this is your great-great-uncle so-and-so." Kayla, "Oh! Hi Uncle!" followed by her signature big hug.
She finds joy in all of the little things. She's just as excited for your birthday as she is for her own. She's full of life and she loves to experience life. Kayla is outgoing and so social. She's got the biggest heart, has the kindest of souls, the biggest of smiles, and can be the most awesome-est of friends - and I wish more people would see that and appreciate that about her. She can still light up a room with her energy and personality.
She has confidence in herself that I wish I had. She doesn't care how others might see or judge her - she just goes out and does her thing.
She still loves coloring - she can sit and color those adult coloring books for hours! Other hobbies are still dancing/singing (Hamilton soundtrack on repeat!), being involved with Summerville Miracle League baseball (as a player and a volunteer and Junior Board Member), Special Olympics golf and track and field, and her favorite: archery.
I so enjoy watching Red Sox baseball with her and how enthusiastic she gets. I love that she knows the players. "Come on JD!" "Yes Bogaerts!" "Devers got a home run!"
So. Eighteen. Adulthood. While the concept of adulthood, independence, and her future still scares me in some ways, I'm not going to dwell on it in this birthday post! She still has one more year of school to go (she repeated Kindergarten). Her future is bright; a lot brighter than I probably thought it would be in that delivery room.
She is happy. She is loved. She is amazing.
She really is.
Happy 18th birthday, Kayla!
