Yes my daughter is only 7.5 yrs old. Yes I do think about her future. I've thought about this topic off and on over the past several years. I try not to dwell on it too much, because honestly, it is one thing about her future that makes me sad.
While the probability is high that Kayla can have a child, the reality is that she probably shouldn't. She's only 7. I hate to put limitations on her like that. I hate to have a positive you-can-do-anything attitude about my child, (you can do this! you can do that!) and then say, 'oh. but it wouldn't be in your best interest to have a child.' But the reality is she would need a lot of help to raise a child. Anyone raising a child knows it takes a lot of work. It's hard.
So. I don't like to think of that part of Kayla's future too much because it makes me cry to think she won't get to experience being a mom.
I thought about it a few years ago when Carrie Bergeron and Sujeet Desai (both have Down syndrome) got married. Their marriage was widely reported on and celebrated in the media and Ds community. ABC did a piece on them called When Loves Conquers All. It included discussion on (not) having children.
The question of children was settled when Carrie decided to undergo a surgical procedure to prevent conception, since the likelihood of having a child with Down syndrome would be high. For Carrie and Sujeet to care for a child on their own was considered impossible."Children are a big responsibility," Carrie said. "And we just have to be responsible for ourselves, really."
From that piece it appears that Carrie made the decided for herself on a permanent form of birth control. I wondered about Kayla. When we would even broach that subject with her. Then I put it out of my mind. For awhile anyway.
When Joe was deployed he worked with someone who has a teenage niece who has Ds. The birth control topic actually came up and if he we had talked about 'what if' with Kayla. Umm no not really because I just want to hide under a rock. I thought about it again, and eventually put it out of my mind again.
Then came Thursday night's episode of Private Practice. If you didn't see the episode here is a quick recap. A single mom comes in with her teenage daughter who has Ds. She suspects her daughter is pregnant. If they said how old the daughter was I missed it. (I thought maybe 16ish, but they said the mom had power of attorney over her and I thought you didn't get that on someone unless they were 18?) Anyway, the daughter's boyfriend didn't have Ds, but did have some type of special needs/developmental delay.
Initially they didn't tell the daughter that the u/s revealed she was 11 weeks pregnant, nor did they tell her what procedure they were performing when doing the CVS. Then the mom told them 'they made a baby.' The couple became excited and started planning on raising the baby. The single mother knew if her daughter had a child that she would be the one who would end up having to raise the baby and she didn't think she could go through raising a baby all over again. (Adoption was never mentioned as a valid option).
In the end the results of the CVS showed the baby to have no chromosomal abnormalities, but no matter, the mother had taken her daughter to have an abortion that morning; again without telling her daughter what procedure was being done on her.
So this episode once again brings to the forefront of my thoughts: Kayla and birth control.
What do we do when she is a teenager? She could very easily be taken advantage of. Do we put her on birth control 'just in case?' Then I ask myself: what if Kayla didn't have Ds? Would I be so quick to worry about her being taken advantage of? Would I be so quick to make sure she was on birth control "just in case?" In the Private Practice episode the daughter wasn't taken advantage of. And Kayla could be taken advantage of whether she has Ds or not. It's a lot to think about.
Moving beyond the teenage years...knowing that it wouldn't be a good idea for Kayla to have a child...now we might be talking about a more permanent form of birth control. I don't believe in the forced sterilizations that were done on individuals years ago. But it is definitely a topic Joe and I, and Kayla, will have to talk about as she gets older. And, like Carrie Bergeron, we hope to provide Kayla with enough support and information to make an informed decision on her own. However, it still hurts my heart to think of her not being a mom though.
Those of you who have older children, who have gone through this, or are going through this: if you don't mind would you share how you approached this topic with your child?
