tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post115230963778143532..comments2024-03-18T12:13:51.922-04:00Comments on Big Blueberry Eyes: GuiltMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02441176684416139172noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-89210704905222822112010-03-21T20:08:40.257-04:002010-03-21T20:08:40.257-04:00I love your honesty. I think with the way our cul...I love your honesty. I think with the way our culture is, there's no way you could have felt any differently. After all, the constant message is that DS must be so bad you must abort. That's terrible, and of course you're going to pause and have fears and have mixed feelings. No one could ever doubt how very much you love Kayla, it's extremely evident. <br /><br />Try to let go of the guilt. You don't deserve it.<br /><br />Does it help to know when I found out I was pregnant for the third time I was an absolute basket case and even briefly thought about alternatives? It was crazy talk, but it was fear, fear of the unknown, which is exactly what you were experiencing. Of course now I wouldn't trade my third for a million dollars and I'm super-blessed to have him.Mom24https://www.blogger.com/profile/00061152728345287775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-46226862018283564452008-10-26T11:43:00.000-04:002008-10-26T11:43:00.000-04:00I'm crying as I read this. For both of us. I was s...I'm crying as I read this. For both of us. I was so scared of my own kid, scared that if I loved her and she died, I'd never be the same. So if I didn't get attached, it'd be better. She stole my heart anyway, but I look back at pictures from those days with such sadness. She was so stinkin cute and tiny and I didn't enjoy her. I held her because I had to, not because I wanted to. I wish so badly that I could rewind and tell myself to just enjoy it.Finding Normalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15542473853342128094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-83397822928352230882007-08-07T00:26:00.000-04:002007-08-07T00:26:00.000-04:00I had not read this post before, but you know what...I had not read this post before, but you know what struck me - what a wonderful family you have, so loving. What a fantastic husband. It's actually pretty normal to feel detached after giving birth in any circumstance. I was happy but not elated both times, I actually felt it was all surreal and happening to someone else at first, probably all that pushing and shoving that had to go on first. Michelle, you rock. You are a fabulous Mum and Kayla looks so full of happiness and joy. What more could you ask?<BR/>xxxA Captured Reflectionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07375557556508701793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-36086526174886477502007-05-06T10:19:00.000-04:002007-05-06T10:19:00.000-04:00Thanks for giving me the link to this post. I fel...Thanks for giving me the link to this post. I felt very similar things after Lauren's birth, as you have read. I think how you told your mother when she first came to the hospital was completely normal. You needed her support, your mom to lean on. Very natural. I hope someday we are able to let go of the guilt. I understand it now, can intellectualize it, explain it but it still makes me feel guilty.Cathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00982200069383187563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152830526178577192006-07-13T18:42:00.000-04:002006-07-13T18:42:00.000-04:00you need to forgive yourself, sweetie. It is OK. M...you need to forgive yourself, sweetie. It is OK. My heart ached reading this, as I could hear the pain in your written words. Forgive yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152739777194628182006-07-12T17:29:00.000-04:002006-07-12T17:29:00.000-04:00The way you broke the news to your mom is the exac...The way you broke the news to your mom is the exact same way I broke it to my mum.<BR/><BR/>Callum was 5 weeks early, mum was supposed to be here for the birth. I called her in England when I was admitted, woke her up, she ran around booking flights, 2 hour trip to the airport flew for 11 hours and then the first thing she heard when she walked through the door was "they think he has Down syndrome" and then me just sobbing and sobbing.<BR/><BR/>You have nothing to feel guilty for, you're a great mom to Kayla.Naomihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05347972660723452300noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152653196368843472006-07-11T17:26:00.000-04:002006-07-11T17:26:00.000-04:00Thank you again, everyone, for your kind comments....Thank you again, everyone, for your kind comments. I do feel better for knowing I'm not so alone in these feelings. I'm trying, really I am! to let go of this guilt and put it past me and move on! It did feel better writing it down and getting it all down. So thanks once again!Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02441176684416139172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152639913097325632006-07-11T13:45:00.000-04:002006-07-11T13:45:00.000-04:00wow, thank you for sharing your truely honest feel...wow, thank you for sharing your truely honest feelings. i can definitely relate to many of the things you talked about.Angiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13931707149071230947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152628868199340362006-07-11T10:41:00.000-04:002006-07-11T10:41:00.000-04:00p.s.The fear of rejection is an undeniable power t...p.s.<BR/><BR/>The fear of rejection is an undeniable power that all of us feel. It can't be wished away or sidestepped. Your worry that others might reject Kayla was part of that, because our children are so bound up with ourselves. In fact, I think your fear of Kayla being rejected is strong evidence that you already felt a strong tie to her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152628273758561852006-07-11T10:31:00.000-04:002006-07-11T10:31:00.000-04:00Michelle - a teary start to my morning! Like the ...Michelle - a teary start to my morning! Like the others have said, you have no reason to feel guilty - I'm sure you've read a hundred birth stories with dx diagnoses, and you know the whole range of emotions we, as mothers of chromosomally enhanced children, feel :) I think it is a process we all go through, for some the grief and acceptance phase is over relatively quickly, for others it takes more time, sometimes it's delayed! I cried for about 20 minutes when I got the dx after Brady was born, then was totally fine, then spent his entire 3rd year bawling (of course I blame the school district for that one ;) I thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences, because I think that sometimes people are afraid to let themselves feel, as if by feeling the feelings they feel (say that real fast) they are showing that they think less of, or love their child w/ds differently. To be honest, I think I do love my child with ds differently, a little deeper, a little more intensely than my other children, not more, just differently :) Brady and I share a very special bond that is a little different than the bonds I have with my other kiddos - not sure what it is, or why - it simply just is :)<BR/><BR/>Kayla and you are amazing, and you are such a great mommy and advocate for your darling girl! Thanks for sharing her with us!<BR/><BR/>Hugs!The Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17452676315914884673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152627865107517032006-07-11T10:24:00.000-04:002006-07-11T10:24:00.000-04:00Michelle, thank you so much for writing this. You ...Michelle, thank you so much for writing this. You have given us all an incredible gift. <BR/><BR/>It took time for me to fully bond with Thomas. What I felt at the very start was that protective thing, I would call it an instinct, where the "strong" has the drive to protect the "weak." Thomas was so little, so vulnerable. I couldn't stand seeing him get poked and prodded and hurt. So I did feel that instant attachment in that way.<BR/><BR/>But bonding with him as an individual took time. It's taken time with all my babies, in fact. I can be devoted to them as a baby--as a needy, naked, little person who needs to be cared for-- but still not devoted to them as a distinct individual. There's a big difference. <BR/><BR/>When there's a diagnosis of DS, that whole aspect of bonding to a PERSON (not just a needy infant) gets pushed to the forefront all too soon. We're given this prediction for their future and forced to confront some vague set of possibilities and often painful stereotypes, all at once. <BR/><BR/>We don't have to do that with typical children. If, at birth, someone handed us a list of what their challenges and weaknesses would be (or worse, a list of "maybes, probablys") we would freak. But we don't get that list. All we get is the innocent little baby, and we can feel the bond of mother to child -- the primal bond of protectiveness and concern -- much more easily. The person-to-person bond develops in good time. <BR/><BR/><BR/>I think that if your family members did not give you that outpouring of love, you would have discovered the mother-child bond right from the very start, in a different way. You would have realized that you were willing to fight for this child. I felt that very strongly when one of my family members reacted with near-horror at the diagnosis. When someone or something threatens our child, even in a figurative way, our defenses rear up. <BR/><BR/>Anyway, thanks for wading through this long comment, and thanks again for writing. I hope you'll submit this to the _Gifts_ book.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152626829202166922006-07-11T10:07:00.000-04:002006-07-11T10:07:00.000-04:00It's okay. Healing always takes admitting feeling...It's okay. Healing always takes admitting feelings and turning them over to the One who loved you so much, He was willing to give His own life for you. I recall Peter, who had "feelings" of denial...Jesus set him up as a pastor and leader of the early church. Then in Acts...he preaches a sermon which was the beginning of the church.<BR/><BR/>In other words, don't let your feelings keep you from seeing the wonderful things God has in store for you. It's not what you've done or felt in the past, it is who He wants you to be...that is how He sees you. SmilesCherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17765661246962290130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152626698452341142006-07-11T10:04:00.000-04:002006-07-11T10:04:00.000-04:00awww mimi! I had tears in my eyes. Your Little one...awww mimi! I had tears in my eyes. Your Little one is a blessing from God! All Mothers go through that not feeling a bond. When I had Katie I felt so guilty also about not feeling<BR/>this bond. I always heard from my Mom that it was the most beauitful thing to feel. I cried since i felt like who is this stranger when I first held Katie. The bond comes later when you and your little one gets to know each other. My sister-in-law went through the same thing.Alot of Mothers have felt that way.After Little Gary I had Post partum kinda bad. at first when we got home from the hospital i would go to the bathroom and cry because sometimes i didn't feel like holding my little boy that i couldn't wait to have!We all go through the guilt feelings. But you don't have nothing to feel guilty about you and your little angel have a strong bond now. Thats what matters. She is a happy little one, also with the most beauitful smile!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152619548387585922006-07-11T08:05:00.000-04:002006-07-11T08:05:00.000-04:00Michelle I just wanted to add~ Thankyou so much fo...Michelle I just wanted to add~ Thankyou so much for sharing this I know it must have taken alot out of you emotionally just to write it. I hope it was as therpeutic for you to write it as it was for me to read it :)Karihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04214240569421989423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152619065545925982006-07-11T07:57:00.000-04:002006-07-11T07:57:00.000-04:00~hugs~ Michelle I completley understand your feeli...~hugs~ Michelle I completley understand your feelings. I too suffer from quilt and occasionally have an emotional meltdown when I look back and think about the day Tristan was born. I also just blurted it out to family members and had concern that they would not accept and love him as I knew I already did. As for your comment on how you immediatley became detached from Kayla at the moment she was born. Well that happens often to Mom's that give birth to healthy and Typical babies. I have had friends tell me they were dissappointed because they didn't instantly feel the Mother~child bond. I think it is just a reaction your brain can have once the baby is no longer inside of your body. I can't tell you if it will get easier or not. I consider my birth story traumatic and I don't think I will ever get over it. I think that day I was the most frightened I have ever been in my whole life (Of course I know it was all for nothing)I mean when I hear someone has given birth to a new baby with DS I always smile and think to myself "oh another lucky one" I often think to myself "what did I ever do that was so wonderful that I deserve this amazing boy" That's where the guilt lies how could I have ever had those horrible emotions and fears. How and why did I not know how fabulous he was at the second he was born. These are normal emotions. Welcome to Holland" says it all. The first time I read that I was so relieved to know someone else understood.Karihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04214240569421989423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152595037373984002006-07-11T01:17:00.000-04:002006-07-11T01:17:00.000-04:00Michelle, what an amazing story...I, much like TM,...Michelle, what an amazing story...<BR/><BR/>I, much like TM, already had four children when Miss E arrived so this was not the experience I had, but did share some of your emotions.<BR/><BR/>You are an amazing mother-and Kayla an amazing daughter. I am so thankful that our paths crossed.<BR/><BR/>I hope you don't mind, but I am sending this peace to Queen K. I think it would make a lovely book entry....<BR/><BR/>Hugs from Michigan :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152585598376758842006-07-10T22:39:00.000-04:002006-07-10T22:39:00.000-04:00Michelle, as the others have said, you have no rea...Michelle, as the others have said, you have no reason to feel 'guilt'....you are human and every experience we have is real at the moment it happens...sometimes we have past experiences to help guide us, but most times the first time is the moment that just sticks the hardest. I do know that if Emma Sage was my first child, my emotions and reaction might have been quite differently than it was with her being my fourth birth [5th child]. <BR/><BR/>What is most important is that we are always truthful with ourselves and allow ourselves to be real. <BR/><BR/>Miss Kayla is an amazing gift and I'm so thankful that you are her Momma.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12628921554027431376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152578588489376122006-07-10T20:43:00.000-04:002006-07-10T20:43:00.000-04:00When we give birth Michelle our bodies go through ...When we give birth Michelle our bodies go through so many changes and hormones and emotions play such a part in it.Let go of that guilt..you are a wonderful Mommy. And you have a beautiful little girl. Sweety dont carry this around in your heart..Im sure you were scared...and not knowing what to expect. Those are frightening circumstances....they play a lot of havoc with us. Be kind to yourself Michelle....your a great Mother!Catchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05693116257747111018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152577893524718012006-07-10T20:31:00.000-04:002006-07-10T20:31:00.000-04:00Michelle, I was very moved by that post - so moved...Michelle, I was very moved by that post - so moved that I started writing you a comment, it got very long and so I turned it into an email. Check your mailbox!Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13953517447164263617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152575630165902942006-07-10T19:53:00.000-04:002006-07-10T19:53:00.000-04:00Meesh, I Love You!!Meesh, I Love You!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152575501733917342006-07-10T19:51:00.000-04:002006-07-10T19:51:00.000-04:00RAW EMOTIONS.. The unknown, fear and guilt..They a...RAW EMOTIONS.. The unknown, fear and guilt..They are your thoughts at that moment in time..You are Human and Entitled to those raw emotions and your reactions..After you said, Kayla may have DS..I did not fully understand how I was suppose to "comfort" you..Later that night(early morning) I cried on Aunt Debbie's shoulder and asked "why God". When I was pregnant with your sister, I had the "amio" done.. Why? because I was considered "high risk" (at the age of 35!!!) I can not answer the "what if's" I love you and Joe(you are my Hero's) and my "little Kayla".Her Big Blueberry eyes and her personality that keeps going and going!! :) Here is a line from a movie I saw and which I liked.. " I will love you (kayla) Forever and Always, Always and Forever.. Love Mom/Grandma... When Aunt Debbie had Brian(her first born)and after the delivery they gave Brian to her to hold, she(debbie) did not want to even hold him!! She was not happy or excited and asked me to hold him and I remember thinking, "wow" and how shocked I was with her response..But, hey , after pushing for almost 2 hrs, I would have felt the same way!! We are humans...:) Thanks, Michelle, for sharing your "guilt" with us because we all have the "guilts", the emotions and etc..This brings us closer together and helps us to relax our shoulders just a little...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152567691947893842006-07-10T17:41:00.000-04:002006-07-10T17:41:00.000-04:00Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for ta...Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond! I guess I just feel that I missed out on that "bonding/attaching/euphoric" feeling you're "supposed" to have right after birth/in the hospital. So whenever I think of those first few days I can't help but cry for what I can't get back. But Kayla doesn't know that we didn't exactly bond at first sight :) I guess it's one of those things where you don't talk about it because you think people are going to look at you and think, "What is wrong with HER that she couldn't bond with her own child after birth?!" It's such a relief to know that this happens to moms sometimes, just not something that's talked about. And who knows, I'm sure the Ds played a big part in it, but I might still have not bonded with her right away for one reason or another. So thank you again.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02441176684416139172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152563226836839262006-07-10T16:27:00.000-04:002006-07-10T16:27:00.000-04:00Michelle, there's nothing i can say beyond what ev...Michelle, there's nothing i can say beyond what everyone has already said but I had to leave a comment. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story. You are an inspiration.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152559120324220592006-07-10T15:18:00.000-04:002006-07-10T15:18:00.000-04:00Michelle,You should not feel guilty at all, even t...Michelle,<BR/><BR/>You should not feel guilty at all, even though I perfectly understand you. I also had some tough thoughts in my head as I got the diagnosis for Vincent. But just remember that Kayla is your special edition, just like Vincent is mine. And we are just faced with the situations that we are strong enough to handle. When God was shaking his magic 8 ball to find good parents for Kayla and Vincent he got us as the perfect parents. Initially he probabloy shook his head and said "Oh No", but the more he thought about it, the better we seemed. He thought that everyone can love a "normal" child, but to love these kids he looked for someone extra strong, supportive,loving and caring - that is how we ended up with our little special editions!<BR/>Don't let the negative thoughts get you, we are all in it together :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24014954.post-1152554423002798592006-07-10T14:00:00.000-04:002006-07-10T14:00:00.000-04:00I could tell that your post came straight from you...I could tell that your post came straight from your heart...like the others, I have tears running down my cheeks. Listen to what the others have said in their comments...there's not much more for me to add. They are right, just because we give birth, it doesn't make us instant mothers. The bonding can sometimes take a long time and no amount of guilt can change that. Kayla was born with DS...that in itself was a huge adjustment you and your family had to make...I don't think that it was that you didn't love your daughter the instant she was born, I think the fear and insecurities you had about her having DS is what took over at that moment. You were also worried about what the others would think. The fact is, she's a human being and made more precious for having DS...you and your husband are doing a marvellous job raising her and you can tell she is well loved. She's a happy little girl and that's all you can ask for right now!!Carole Buranthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05497329055251626140noreply@blogger.com